Incidentally, I love that the address for this collection is "fistshakingstories," as so many of Tom's best stories/rants included, at some point, a fist thrust up and waved in the air (often accompanied by some form of guttural ARG!)
targets that I can specifically recall:
- Nan Keohane, Bill Burig, Nan's Chilly Bivalve
- the Hideaway
- terrorists
- politicians
- rain
- sunshine
- God
- beer
- virtually every non-Chicago baseball team
- Chicago baseball teams, including virtually every individual player and manager by name
- at one point, even the Chicago Cubs batboy (though not, to my knowledge, by name)
- check that... pretty much every sports team to ever make TV or print that he watched or read...
- fraternities (plus PhiDelt GHQ)... especially PhiDelt GHQ...
- women (other than Krista)
- Krista and most fraternity brothers, but definitely only in jest
...(mostly) definitely...
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
More Norway!
At another point (post-calculating water depth story, below) in Norway we came upon a deck from which we decided one could reasonably jump off of into the fjord.
Now let's recall that I'm a florida boy and rarely get in water below 102 degrees F, which obviously is the ideal temperature for a jacuzzi. The fjord water was one degree above absolute zero (crazy as it sounds there was a kelvin thermometer in the water, we looked at it and it said "1"). In other words, the water was probably the coldest water has ever gotten in the universe ever, ever. Why or how Tom convinced me (or much less likely, I convinced Tom) to jump into the fjord I cannot recall. (Krista, can you?)
But in any case we did.
What these photos don't show is immediately after I hit the water, I rushed out of it up those stairs on the right as fast as I could, screaming like a girl, howling "whyyyyy??!! whhyyyyy??!!!"
Tom, however, began calmly swimming, farther from the dock! He then proceeded to do the "pop pop" float (sp?), a move named in honor of his grandfather I believe, in which he gracefully treaded water on his back and spouted the fjord water in the air as if he were a fountain. His ability to withstand that water - 1 degree above absolute zero - always astounded me.
Now let's recall that I'm a florida boy and rarely get in water below 102 degrees F, which obviously is the ideal temperature for a jacuzzi. The fjord water was one degree above absolute zero (crazy as it sounds there was a kelvin thermometer in the water, we looked at it and it said "1"). In other words, the water was probably the coldest water has ever gotten in the universe ever, ever. Why or how Tom convinced me (or much less likely, I convinced Tom) to jump into the fjord I cannot recall. (Krista, can you?)
But in any case we did.
What these photos don't show is immediately after I hit the water, I rushed out of it up those stairs on the right as fast as I could, screaming like a girl, howling "whyyyyy??!! whhyyyyy??!!!"
Tom, however, began calmly swimming, farther from the dock! He then proceeded to do the "pop pop" float (sp?), a move named in honor of his grandfather I believe, in which he gracefully treaded water on his back and spouted the fjord water in the air as if he were a fountain. His ability to withstand that water - 1 degree above absolute zero - always astounded me.
Norway part deux, or trois
One of my favorite Tom stories took place in Norway, when the family decided to walk up a fjord. (It's unclear why we were doing this exactly, when there were perfectly good hi-res fjord photos online to look at, and plenty of lovely bars in Norway we could have been at drinking in the local culture as our ancestors would have, instead of slogging up a mountain. Alas.) Half way up the hill, maybe an hour or two into the hike, we stopped at a scenic spot to take a breather. See the photo below.
So here we all are, huffing and puffing, and the group was pretty quiet. I can't remember who asked me, probably Mom, what I was thinking about. At the time I was looking at a bug like an idiot. "That bug," I said, pointing to the bug. No one said anything, because the bug wasn't interesting or note-worthy in any particular way. (I think that was the last time I was asked on the trip what I was thinking about.) Someone probably asked Krista or Dad what they were thinking about, but I can't remember what their responses where. Dad's was probably something about enjoying the great outdoors etc etc. In any case, enter Tom!
"Tom," someone asked, "What are you thinking about?"
"Oh," he answered nonchalantly in the way that Tom answers things nonchalantly, "I was just thinking I could calculate the depth of the water out there in my head by measuring the distance of the waves (Imagine Tom pointing at the waves in the water) and here I can't recall what Tom said exactly because my mind folded in on itself, but not because it was a complicated answer, Tom rather expertly explained to the math laypersons huffing around him how simple the answer would be to derive, but rather because I was keenly aware of the incredibly contrast between my own insect comment and Tom's awesome brain.
So here we all are, huffing and puffing, and the group was pretty quiet. I can't remember who asked me, probably Mom, what I was thinking about. At the time I was looking at a bug like an idiot. "That bug," I said, pointing to the bug. No one said anything, because the bug wasn't interesting or note-worthy in any particular way. (I think that was the last time I was asked on the trip what I was thinking about.) Someone probably asked Krista or Dad what they were thinking about, but I can't remember what their responses where. Dad's was probably something about enjoying the great outdoors etc etc. In any case, enter Tom!
"Tom," someone asked, "What are you thinking about?"
"Oh," he answered nonchalantly in the way that Tom answers things nonchalantly, "I was just thinking I could calculate the depth of the water out there in my head by measuring the distance of the waves (Imagine Tom pointing at the waves in the water) and here I can't recall what Tom said exactly because my mind folded in on itself, but not because it was a complicated answer, Tom rather expertly explained to the math laypersons huffing around him how simple the answer would be to derive, but rather because I was keenly aware of the incredibly contrast between my own insect comment and Tom's awesome brain.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The Vikings and one Irishman visit the Viking countryside
Tom joined our family on a trip to Norway just a month after he asked Krista to marry him. Because of scheduling conflicts Tom arrived in Oslo a day after us. His jet-lagged state did not stop him from enduring a very long first day of sightseeing and even participating in our mimicking of the statues in Frogner Park.
We have a tradition of taking “jumping pictures” which are simply group pictures of us jumping in new surroundings, in this case along a Norwegian fjord. In order for all of us to be included in the picture we set the camera on some convenient object, set the timer, count 1, 2, 3, jump, and jump. The problem of course is in the timing, knowing exactly when to jump to capture all in midair. Being new to this tradition Tom at first jumped straight up with hands in his pockets but after just two or three of our 30 or so attempts was the star showing us all some new moves for future jumping adventures.
Wii Revenge
It was two days before Christmas, 2007 and Krista, Tom, and Matthew had all arrived in Florida the night before. At the top of Krista's list that year was a Wii and the "boys"had heavily and successfully lobbied Ross and I to give Krista this gift early in their visit so "she" could enjoy it longer. After opening the Wii Krista positioned herself on the floor in front of the TV as she set out to create her Mii. Tom and Matthew sat next to each other on a couch behind her salivating as they waited their turn.
At first the boys were jolly as old St. Nick taking turns needling her as she, in true Krista fashion, methodically made her choices of eyes, hair, etc. turning to ask their opinion as she worked. After many, many long minutes of enduring Krista's thoroughness their joy turned to annoyance. Photos taken of them waiting show the progression of their joy, anguish, and I believe even the patented "Tom" fist shake.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Toothbrush
Many of you have heard this - I can't believe I had forgotten to post one of my favorite stories about Tom.
After we graduated from college, Tom and I backpacked in Europe for a month (joined for about a third of the trip by Seth and for one day by Brian). We landed in Brussels midday and immediately took a train to Paris. By the time we got to Paris and found a place to stay we were both pretty tired. Tom asked to borrow my toothbrush. I said, "Oh, did you forget your toothbrush? Ok, we can get you a new one tomorrow." Tom said, "No, I didn't forget - I just didn't bring my toothbrush. I figured I'd use yours." I (sensibly) was more than a little confused about this - over more than three years of dating sharing our toothbrushes wasn't an established thing. Tom was insistent though, so I shared my toothbrush with him for a month. This was annoying when we stayed in hostels separated by gender - toothbrush handoff was necessary.
I'm not very picky about toothbrushes anymore.
After we graduated from college, Tom and I backpacked in Europe for a month (joined for about a third of the trip by Seth and for one day by Brian). We landed in Brussels midday and immediately took a train to Paris. By the time we got to Paris and found a place to stay we were both pretty tired. Tom asked to borrow my toothbrush. I said, "Oh, did you forget your toothbrush? Ok, we can get you a new one tomorrow." Tom said, "No, I didn't forget - I just didn't bring my toothbrush. I figured I'd use yours." I (sensibly) was more than a little confused about this - over more than three years of dating sharing our toothbrushes wasn't an established thing. Tom was insistent though, so I shared my toothbrush with him for a month. This was annoying when we stayed in hostels separated by gender - toothbrush handoff was necessary.
I'm not very picky about toothbrushes anymore.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Greenwood, NYC
Yesterday Tara and I couldn't visit Mt. Greenwood Cemetery in Chicago, so we instead went to Greenwood Cemetery in Brooklyn. There we found a beautifully weathered gravestone that no longer bears traces of a name, a date, or anything else. Without much stretching of the imagination it felt like a very good site to reflect, honor Tom, and shove a note under the wobbly part of the stone. We feel sure the 19th-century chap wouldn't mind.
p.s. If any New Yorkers want to find this spot, let me know. It's a beautiful historic cemetery and a really nice, shady spot.
Tom's 25th Birthday
Tom's 25th birthday was a surprise at the Yankees/White Sox game organized by Patrick. But the game was the weekend after his birthday and Tom seemed to think we had all forgotten to celebrate his birthday. Last minute we invited a few people over on his actual birthday (Tuesday, I think). Saverio and Elena brought a pinata shaped like a basketball. We didn't have enough space to safely swing at the pinata blindfolded. After some discussion Tom just started punching the pinata. The whole party was doubled over. He kept punching after the pinata fell to the ground.
Monday, June 22, 2009
A bunch of short thoughts
I found an old document full of short silly memories. Here are some:
One of the first times we went out to dinner just the two of us, Tom suggested we choose dessert based on the number of times the word chocolate appeared in the description. I believe my thought was "Hmm, I think I should keep this guy around for awhile."
Tom hadn't been to Disney since he was 8 or 9 or so. I took him over a summer in college. He turned into a little kid and absolutely had to meet Mickey. We waited in line for 30 minutes to meet Mickey. It was adorable.
Speaking of adorable, Tom found this picture of an overweight hedgehog who had to be put on a diet. He called the picture adorable - repeatedly - and sent it out to a ton of people. I couldn't get over the fact that he kept using the word adorable.
When I had a rotten, rotten, 3-month cold junior year of college (renamed the Krista plague) Tom helped me walk across campus in the middle of the night to get a final paper under the professor's door before the morning deadline. He didn't mind my frequent rest breaks.
Anytime we went to The Loop (campus restaurant) Tom would ask if I was getting a milkshake with that gleam in his eye. He never had to order one - he just stole half of mine.
Tom only ate about five bites out of an apple. Then he thought it was too close to the core. I got to eat the other 60% of his apples.
Tom (and someone) organized a fortified wine tasting in college...
We went to Salt Lake City over one spring break. Tom was really really excited to go to the genealogy library and did a ton of research on his family.
Tom's obsession with little internet flash games continued, but he played a lot of console games too. He'd ask me if I wanted to play video games with him. This meant "do you want to watch while I play?" As strange as it seems, I loved it. In the Star Wars games my role was to try to convince him to do the light-side thing at all times.
Junior year of college Tom and I think Kevin and Emon played a ridiculous amount of a car racing game. After their thumbs started to go numb, they rigged up a way to armor their car enough that they could weigh down the controller and walk away - and still win long long races.
Tom's voicemail code in college was the first 6 or 7 digits of Pi.
We went to a US Open match in 2007 that Roger Federer won. Federer signed three balls and hit them into the crowd. Tom caught one. He swore Roger looked straight at him before he hit the ball.
Tom didn't much like pancakes, but loved toast. Somehow at a restaurant with all-you-can-eat pancakes, he convinced the waitress and a bunch of fraternity brothers to do all-you-can-eat toast instead - and negotiated the price. No one felt well afterwards.
I'm on somewhat of a lifetime quest for the perfect watch. Nothing is quite right and I'd rather have no watch than the wrong watch. For Christmas 2006 Tom bought me a watch. It was one of the bravest things he ever did.
Tom could do neat yo-yo tricks.
Tom and my brother were both so gleeful on Tom's first vacation with my family when they both suddenly realized that the other knew exactly how to torture me too. They really enjoyed sitting back and watching the other work - then trading off. Stuck in the middle of the backseat I think I asked to be left behind in Lillehammer.
I bought Tom two linen shirts for our honeymoon and gave them to him a couple months early. He tried so hard not to get pen on those shirts until after the honeymoon. I think he succeeded. That's saying something.
Tom had pretty old golf clubs, but refused to get new ones unless he became a better golfer.
Tom disliked OXO products. No apparent reason, but felt strongly enough that he didn't want us to buy them for anyone else either.
Tom claimed not to know how to use a microwave (grew up without one) and put me in charge of all microwaving.
Tom once declared me the letter-writing wing of the relationship. He then assigned me a bunch of other wings of the relationship. When I finally interrupted to ask what wing of the relationship he was, he replied, "We're like Hamas. I'm the military wing."
When the chocolate syrup was almost empty Tom would pour milk in, shake it up, and drink the chocolate milk out of the syrup bottle.
One of the first times we went out to dinner just the two of us, Tom suggested we choose dessert based on the number of times the word chocolate appeared in the description. I believe my thought was "Hmm, I think I should keep this guy around for awhile."
Tom hadn't been to Disney since he was 8 or 9 or so. I took him over a summer in college. He turned into a little kid and absolutely had to meet Mickey. We waited in line for 30 minutes to meet Mickey. It was adorable.
Speaking of adorable, Tom found this picture of an overweight hedgehog who had to be put on a diet. He called the picture adorable - repeatedly - and sent it out to a ton of people. I couldn't get over the fact that he kept using the word adorable.
When I had a rotten, rotten, 3-month cold junior year of college (renamed the Krista plague) Tom helped me walk across campus in the middle of the night to get a final paper under the professor's door before the morning deadline. He didn't mind my frequent rest breaks.
Anytime we went to The Loop (campus restaurant) Tom would ask if I was getting a milkshake with that gleam in his eye. He never had to order one - he just stole half of mine.
Tom only ate about five bites out of an apple. Then he thought it was too close to the core. I got to eat the other 60% of his apples.
Tom (and someone) organized a fortified wine tasting in college...
We went to Salt Lake City over one spring break. Tom was really really excited to go to the genealogy library and did a ton of research on his family.
Tom's obsession with little internet flash games continued, but he played a lot of console games too. He'd ask me if I wanted to play video games with him. This meant "do you want to watch while I play?" As strange as it seems, I loved it. In the Star Wars games my role was to try to convince him to do the light-side thing at all times.
Junior year of college Tom and I think Kevin and Emon played a ridiculous amount of a car racing game. After their thumbs started to go numb, they rigged up a way to armor their car enough that they could weigh down the controller and walk away - and still win long long races.
Tom's voicemail code in college was the first 6 or 7 digits of Pi.
We went to a US Open match in 2007 that Roger Federer won. Federer signed three balls and hit them into the crowd. Tom caught one. He swore Roger looked straight at him before he hit the ball.
Tom didn't much like pancakes, but loved toast. Somehow at a restaurant with all-you-can-eat pancakes, he convinced the waitress and a bunch of fraternity brothers to do all-you-can-eat toast instead - and negotiated the price. No one felt well afterwards.
I'm on somewhat of a lifetime quest for the perfect watch. Nothing is quite right and I'd rather have no watch than the wrong watch. For Christmas 2006 Tom bought me a watch. It was one of the bravest things he ever did.
Tom could do neat yo-yo tricks.
Tom and my brother were both so gleeful on Tom's first vacation with my family when they both suddenly realized that the other knew exactly how to torture me too. They really enjoyed sitting back and watching the other work - then trading off. Stuck in the middle of the backseat I think I asked to be left behind in Lillehammer.
I bought Tom two linen shirts for our honeymoon and gave them to him a couple months early. He tried so hard not to get pen on those shirts until after the honeymoon. I think he succeeded. That's saying something.
Tom had pretty old golf clubs, but refused to get new ones unless he became a better golfer.
Tom disliked OXO products. No apparent reason, but felt strongly enough that he didn't want us to buy them for anyone else either.
Tom claimed not to know how to use a microwave (grew up without one) and put me in charge of all microwaving.
Tom once declared me the letter-writing wing of the relationship. He then assigned me a bunch of other wings of the relationship. When I finally interrupted to ask what wing of the relationship he was, he replied, "We're like Hamas. I'm the military wing."
When the chocolate syrup was almost empty Tom would pour milk in, shake it up, and drink the chocolate milk out of the syrup bottle.
From our maid of honor Kim
Two stories from Kim:
Tom contacted me via computer when he was ring shopping for Krista's engagement ring online. All he knew in advance was that she wanted to get engaged and she would want a ring. After IM'ing for a bit, I convinced him that I could call Krista and find out everything he would need to know about what kind of ring she would want. While Tom was on the computer, I gave Krista a call. The beautiful thing was that I, too, was hoping to get engaged sometime soon. Talking about what kind of rings we would both want was a piece of cake!! It was all pretty comical... I would ask Krista, "So, I wonder when I'm going to figure out my ring size. Do you remember yours from our high school rings?" She would answer... then I would type the answer to Tom. Then I would say things like, "I wonder what kind of metal Jason will pick out for our wedding bands. What kind would you want?" (Typing to Tom- "yellow gold band.") "I don't know what kind of cuts I like. How about you, Krista?" (Typing to Tom- "she DOES NOT want heart or pear-shaped. She likes round!") By the end of the conversation, Tom had the perfect ring picked out for Krista. One day on a mountain top, Tom presented her with a beautiful ring. :) I was so honored for Tom to ask for my help and in turn be a small part of that special moment.
Krista and Tom came over to see Jason & I just after our first Thanksgiving as a married couple in our new house. I had never built a gingerbread house before, so we decided it would be fun to construct one as a group! Needless to say, Tom, Krista, & I made sure that everything was very symmetrical and perfectly spaced out. (We are all first-born children in our families, so this came naturally to us.) Jason did his best to throw off some of the color combinations of our candy on the roof of the gingerbread house... and he did a lovely job decorating the front yard of the house (skating rink & all)! About 40 minutes later, we ended up with a candy-guy wearing what we thought looked like a hazmat suit holding a soda! We decided that we needed to take a group picture to celebrate my first gingerbread experience, but Tom kept blinking in every shot! It took about 7 pictures (some taken with and others taken without the flash) before we got the perfect shot. To this day, it is one of my favorite pictures ever.
From my cousin Mandy
Two stories from my (Krista's) cousin Mandy:
Krista's mom's side will never forget the induction of its 50th member! First, it was a blast that after all the years of Matty's trash-talking about the highly sought family member #5-0, his new brother-in-law snagged the honor (much easier than Matt figuring out how to adopt a child as a jobless college student...). Second, it was equally thrilling that Matty happened to be (1) in the country and (2) on a low key schedule for the week before the wedding. The perfect recipe for Matt's creativity to blossom. I can honestly say I have yet to see a larger paper mache structure. Quite an impressive 5-0. And, thinking about the "tres amigos" attempt to subtely transport the structure in a boat across your parents' lake for their "surprise" unveiling still makes me smile. I'm sure Tom didn't get all the hype and, understandably, considered us all a bit childish, but he never let on. He just joined our "fun" and played along graciously, as always.
I (Krista) added photos to explain. My brother and cousins constructed a giant paper mache 50 to celebrate Tom becoming the 50th member of the family. It was presented to him at a party two nights before our wedding. He enjoyed the hype, I think. To prove it I've also posted a picture of Tom with the fish - another goofy tradition from my mom's family.
The first time I met Tom was the weekend of our wedding in December 2002, which also happened to be his first introduction to Krista's mom's side clan. It was fun to see how quickly he fit in and to notice how smitten he was about our beloved Krista. And, I don't know why, but I also remember that he gave Noel and I a separate gift (I just assumed he would sign the card with Krista's family). It was beautifully wrapped from Crate & Barrel with a gift receipt taped just so. He even included a sweet note in the card. I remember thinking, "Wow, this guy is a class act!" That first impression proved true time and time again.
Krista's mom's side will never forget the induction of its 50th member! First, it was a blast that after all the years of Matty's trash-talking about the highly sought family member #5-0, his new brother-in-law snagged the honor (much easier than Matt figuring out how to adopt a child as a jobless college student...). Second, it was equally thrilling that Matty happened to be (1) in the country and (2) on a low key schedule for the week before the wedding. The perfect recipe for Matt's creativity to blossom. I can honestly say I have yet to see a larger paper mache structure. Quite an impressive 5-0. And, thinking about the "tres amigos" attempt to subtely transport the structure in a boat across your parents' lake for their "surprise" unveiling still makes me smile. I'm sure Tom didn't get all the hype and, understandably, considered us all a bit childish, but he never let on. He just joined our "fun" and played along graciously, as always.
I (Krista) added photos to explain. My brother and cousins constructed a giant paper mache 50 to celebrate Tom becoming the 50th member of the family. It was presented to him at a party two nights before our wedding. He enjoyed the hype, I think. To prove it I've also posted a picture of Tom with the fish - another goofy tradition from my mom's family.
Of bunny hops and wrestling matches
As Brian mentioned, Tom when through a phase where, at the end of a night with a few drinks, he'd decide to hop around like a bunny. He'd get this twinkle in his eye and a wide, mischievous grin, pull his hands in front of him so they hung like paws, and start bouncing on both legs, slowly at first and then getting faster and higher with each hop. Unfortunately, his balance by this point was generally slightly off and he had enough bulk that it became dangerous to be in his unpredictable path; the effect was rather like a loose wrecking ball wearing an Energizer bunny costume. Chapter room furniture and bystanders' feet will never be the same. And all the while, Tom's grin grew wider and wider, and it was clear that he thought this was hillarious -- and it was, as long as he didn't land on your big toe.
He also liked wrestling with people in those situations; Brian was always able to hold his own in those matchups, but others like Greg weren't always so lucky and would sometimes end up pinned beneath him till others hopped into the match and collectively overpowered Tom. But Tom was always in control, and though he might well be trying to outmatch you, it was always clear that he was making sure he didn't hurt anyone; it was always in good clean fun. You always knew when he was getting ready to start something, because he'd start with that grin of his and start looking around the room to see who he could get to take him on.
And I think that grin of his, whether you saw it late at night in section after a few drinks, or on the way to the IM soccer fields for a game of pickup football, or sitting around telling stories about each other and about alums of the fraternity, was really the defining characteristic of Tom for me. He was brilliant yet funny and down to earth, accomplished and motivated yet ready to clown around at the drop of a hat, and he always carried that contagious fun to the people he was with.
He also liked wrestling with people in those situations; Brian was always able to hold his own in those matchups, but others like Greg weren't always so lucky and would sometimes end up pinned beneath him till others hopped into the match and collectively overpowered Tom. But Tom was always in control, and though he might well be trying to outmatch you, it was always clear that he was making sure he didn't hurt anyone; it was always in good clean fun. You always knew when he was getting ready to start something, because he'd start with that grin of his and start looking around the room to see who he could get to take him on.
And I think that grin of his, whether you saw it late at night in section after a few drinks, or on the way to the IM soccer fields for a game of pickup football, or sitting around telling stories about each other and about alums of the fraternity, was really the defining characteristic of Tom for me. He was brilliant yet funny and down to earth, accomplished and motivated yet ready to clown around at the drop of a hat, and he always carried that contagious fun to the people he was with.
Brian and Megan's wedding
Brian and Megan's wedding in North Carolina was the first time I had been able to see Tom in a few months due to a busy schedule. This was the time when he was declining rapidly, and it was a shock to see the change in his appearance and strength. Before the wedding a bunch of us were sitting around the hotel lobby, and Tom was so tired he was asleep in his wheelchair. At the wedding he was tired as well, although not as much.
When we all got back to the hotel, I figured that was the last I'd see of Tom for the evening. Much to my surprise, he showed up at the "party room" to socialize with the rest of us, and he outlasted me that night by a longshot. I guess he was just power-napping earlier so he could have more fun than anyone else.
It doesn't seem like a year has gone by since we lost Tom - not to me, at least. I was surprised as this anniversary approached. He always made such an effort to enjoy himself that it rubbed off on others.
At this year's BUFF party at Duke, the active fraternity brothers called for a moment of silence. It was a touching and most-appreciated gesture, especially from me. I thanked them for it. Also, it was perhaps the only silence every at a BUFF party (for those of you who know what this party is, you will know why this is remarkable).
When we all got back to the hotel, I figured that was the last I'd see of Tom for the evening. Much to my surprise, he showed up at the "party room" to socialize with the rest of us, and he outlasted me that night by a longshot. I guess he was just power-napping earlier so he could have more fun than anyone else.
It doesn't seem like a year has gone by since we lost Tom - not to me, at least. I was surprised as this anniversary approached. He always made such an effort to enjoy himself that it rubbed off on others.
At this year's BUFF party at Duke, the active fraternity brothers called for a moment of silence. It was a touching and most-appreciated gesture, especially from me. I thanked them for it. Also, it was perhaps the only silence every at a BUFF party (for those of you who know what this party is, you will know why this is remarkable).
Tom pipes in
I think it was the last night we were in the hospital with Tom--after he enjoyed his final meal of Micky D's. Mia, Patrick and I were going to play some game--possibly GHOST? I can't remember. And we were debating which set of rules to use, as there are variations in play. Out of nowhere, Tom pipes in, "I like Tara's way." And so we played by my rules. I was so happy to have Tom on my side.
--Tara
--Tara
Did you know?
Did you know... that Tom had ONE year of his life where he was terribly annoying?
That's right. 27 outs recorded in a beautifully pitched no-hit ballgame, but in THIS early inning he let one get away and drilled a batter on the bicep.
Name that year.
(To present Tom's side: complete denial of this proposition.)
That's right. 27 outs recorded in a beautifully pitched no-hit ballgame, but in THIS early inning he let one get away and drilled a batter on the bicep.
Name that year.
(To present Tom's side: complete denial of this proposition.)
Brevity
Before Wikipedia, there was Tom. He had the answer to everything – and not just tangible, definite answers to math problems or sports trivia. He had well thought out opinions on everything too. In the past several months anytime some debacle happens or major event takes place in the world, I often think to myself “what would Tom have to say about this?” What would Tom have thought of the stock market crash last fall? How would Tom propose we fix health care in the US? How excited would Tom have been on Election Day last year?
Tom was a difficult guy to impress, which made his approval seem all that more meaningful. One time in college I signed up to run a half-marathon. I ran really well that day, but through no fault of my own, the police who were supposed to be directing the runners sent the front pack the wrong way, which resulted in the course being cut over a mile short. When I came back to the Fraternity section for our weekly “gavel” (random musings about the past week), I told the story of what had happened, and Tom was like “you only ran 11.8 miles – wimp…” If you were caught complaining about something not worth complaining about – the weather, school, etc… Tom was quick to call you out and put you in place.
Tom was rarely one to complain himself – and there were often times when Tom, who was usually outspoken, said very little at all. The fall after the two of us migrated from NC up to the Northeast, I visited him in his dorm-like apartment in Stuyvesant Town. Before meeting up with some friends, we sat and watched Game 7 of the NLCS – Cubs vs. Marlins. I’m a baseball atheist, but I knew enough about sports history, the debacle of Bartman and the previous game… and of course, I knew how painful this was for Tom to watch. We sat in virtual silence and watched the Cubs fall painfully short of the World Series. After the game, he only said something to the effect of “damn Cubs. Let’s go out.” His few words seemed to sum it all up.
I remember celebrating New Years of 2005 with Tom in our own self-destructive way, each hour on the hour. We made it to Mountain Standard Time, cursed Saskatchewan and in particular the residents of Saskatoon. Then Tom went into his patented bunny hop / bear-hug mode, and I became “the rabid koala” and we waged an epic WWF style wrestling match which only ended when the 350 pound Gooch sat on all of us simultaneously. My glasses were broken in the process, and I remember a long subway ride back and walk to Krista’s apartment – with Krista ranting and raving about Tom the entire way back. I remember trying to pretend to be somewhat angry myself, so as to not ire Krista further, but on the inside I kept thinking “that was a good New Years party.” I believe that was the last New Years before Tom was diagnosed.
Fast forward two and a half years. The day after my wedding, as Tom was leaving to go back to New York, we shook hands and exchanged a few words. He did not say goodbye, he just simply said “see you soon.” I can’t think of three better words he could have said.
Tom was a difficult guy to impress, which made his approval seem all that more meaningful. One time in college I signed up to run a half-marathon. I ran really well that day, but through no fault of my own, the police who were supposed to be directing the runners sent the front pack the wrong way, which resulted in the course being cut over a mile short. When I came back to the Fraternity section for our weekly “gavel” (random musings about the past week), I told the story of what had happened, and Tom was like “you only ran 11.8 miles – wimp…” If you were caught complaining about something not worth complaining about – the weather, school, etc… Tom was quick to call you out and put you in place.
Tom was rarely one to complain himself – and there were often times when Tom, who was usually outspoken, said very little at all. The fall after the two of us migrated from NC up to the Northeast, I visited him in his dorm-like apartment in Stuyvesant Town. Before meeting up with some friends, we sat and watched Game 7 of the NLCS – Cubs vs. Marlins. I’m a baseball atheist, but I knew enough about sports history, the debacle of Bartman and the previous game… and of course, I knew how painful this was for Tom to watch. We sat in virtual silence and watched the Cubs fall painfully short of the World Series. After the game, he only said something to the effect of “damn Cubs. Let’s go out.” His few words seemed to sum it all up.
I remember celebrating New Years of 2005 with Tom in our own self-destructive way, each hour on the hour. We made it to Mountain Standard Time, cursed Saskatchewan and in particular the residents of Saskatoon. Then Tom went into his patented bunny hop / bear-hug mode, and I became “the rabid koala” and we waged an epic WWF style wrestling match which only ended when the 350 pound Gooch sat on all of us simultaneously. My glasses were broken in the process, and I remember a long subway ride back and walk to Krista’s apartment – with Krista ranting and raving about Tom the entire way back. I remember trying to pretend to be somewhat angry myself, so as to not ire Krista further, but on the inside I kept thinking “that was a good New Years party.” I believe that was the last New Years before Tom was diagnosed.
Fast forward two and a half years. The day after my wedding, as Tom was leaving to go back to New York, we shook hands and exchanged a few words. He did not say goodbye, he just simply said “see you soon.” I can’t think of three better words he could have said.
Mini-golf
Tom and I used to have silly competitions in college about who could get the high score in the latest stupid flash game and stuff like that. (Had we competed in something important, clearly he would have won 100% of the time.) One day some fraternity members got hooked on this flash mini-golf game.
The game was not without its bugs, such as the possibility of hitting impossibly strong shots, and soon the challenge became to get a hole in one on every single hole. Tom and I lived next to each other, and for a week or two we were back and forth between rooms wasting time with stupid stuff like "On Hole 8, if you put the cursor on the third square from the left, then move it down two pixels and click, the ball will bounce off the walls 6 times and go right in the cup."
This continued until we both could score 19 with regularity. But Hole 17, our nemesis, proved elusive. Eventually I gave up and moved on to other time-wasting activities. But Tom, in true Tom fashion, kept trying. One day I came into his room and there it was - he had scored 18, taken a screenshot of the scorecard, and had made it his desktop wallpaper. I don't know how long that wallpaper stayed there (I think at least until the end of the school year), but it taunted me the whole time...
- Joe
The game was not without its bugs, such as the possibility of hitting impossibly strong shots, and soon the challenge became to get a hole in one on every single hole. Tom and I lived next to each other, and for a week or two we were back and forth between rooms wasting time with stupid stuff like "On Hole 8, if you put the cursor on the third square from the left, then move it down two pixels and click, the ball will bounce off the walls 6 times and go right in the cup."
This continued until we both could score 19 with regularity. But Hole 17, our nemesis, proved elusive. Eventually I gave up and moved on to other time-wasting activities. But Tom, in true Tom fashion, kept trying. One day I came into his room and there it was - he had scored 18, taken a screenshot of the scorecard, and had made it his desktop wallpaper. I don't know how long that wallpaper stayed there (I think at least until the end of the school year), but it taunted me the whole time...
- Joe
Marriage announcement
When Tara and I announced to the fam, in a jam-packed and chatty hospital room, that we were getting married, Tom's face snapped into joy and his eyebrows shot up a full inch-and-a-half, like he was a kid blindsided by his dad wheeling out a brand new bicycle. Will always remember it.
Text of the Memorial Celebration
Hi all,
You can download a pdf of Tom's Memorial Celebration, June 28th, 2008, here.
(Let me know if it doesn't work.)
You can download a pdf of Tom's Memorial Celebration, June 28th, 2008, here.
(Let me know if it doesn't work.)
One year ago
One long and short year ago.
I have been remembering this week. It is painful - you may not want to read it. But I need to say it even if no one reads it.
On Tuesday morning Tom and I were just relaxing at home. Tom was talking to a hospice social worker - having an honest conversation about what he felt and what he was worried about. This made me really happy, because he hadn't done this. He was talking and suddenly paused, staring somewhere above the social worker. I asked him if he was alright. Then he started to seize. I held him while he seized. The social worker called hospice to ask what we should do. I was happy we weren't alone. I talked to him through the seizure and as he came out of it. He was conscious and trying to talk, but didn't have any words. I kept talking to try to keep him calm. He started to seize again. Each seizure felt like 5 minutes, but was probably only 30 seconds. Hospice was sending an ambulance - but one that would take us to his hospital, not the nearest hospital, so it would take longer. After the second seizure I ran around the house grabbing things we would want at the hospital, talking to Tom the whole time so he would know I was still there. He had a third seizure. After each seizure he came out of it less. The ambulance arrived. They wanted to take him to the nearest hospital. I talked them into going to his hospital where his doctors were waiting for us - since we'd waited almost 30 minutes for them. Tom's parents managed to arrive as they were loading Tom into the ambulance. On the ride into Manhattan I couldn't believe how difficult it was to get cars to move out of the way. I wanted to scream at all of them. Instead I kept talking to Tom. Telling him I was right there. Telling him what was going on. I sat in the front, so I couldn't touch him, but I kept talking. One of the paramedics told me later that she could tell it calmed Tom down when I was talking. I find that really comforting. We got to the hospital. Somewhere in the loading and unloading process Tom tried to cop a feel on the female paramedic (I suspect he was trying to thank her, because in what seemed like attempts at hugs, he kept grabbing me too), but it was a thing to smile at. Before she left she told him to recover because he owed her dinner.
The doctors weren't sure he'd make it through the night, but he did. Slowly over Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday he regained a little of himself. He could remember a few things - like what we had told him had happened and that Tiger Woods was out for the season. A lot of what he said didn't make sense, but some did and we treasured what did. Saturday night he declared out of the blue, "I'll have two McNuggets and a chocolate milkshake." He hadn't really been eating and many of his comments weren't real, so we weren't sure what to do. A couple minutes later Patrick, Tara, and Mia called from outside, wondering if we wanted anything. They got Tom McDonalds and he did actually eat three McNuggets and a chocolate milkshake. We were really pleased. Later that night I was taking a nap in a reclining chair right next to his bed and Patrick, Tara, and Mia were hanging out with him. Whenever he wanted to sit up we helped him do that, and he wanted to sit up at some point while I slept. Patrick, Tara, and Mia helped him sit. It was difficult to reposition him after sitting up. Patrick, Tara, and Mia were struggling with this when Tom - in such a Tom way - said, "And where is Krista in all this?"
On Sunday the 22nd I think Maureen and I helped Tom sit up in the earlier morning. I think he had a little bit to say and sat with his arms around both of us. I wish I remembered better. By 10:30 he wasn't talking anymore and his breathing changed. We all (Jim, Maureen, Patrick, Tara, Mia, my mom, my dad, Matt, and I) stood around him and told him it was okay to go, if he needed to. And we told him sweet and funny stories that he was a part of. We told him we loved him. His breathing became shallower and shallower. I know I was holding my breath, wondering in each gap if he would take another. I think he left us at 12:18pm.
I miss you Tom, and I love you. Thank you for being you. You who managed to be hilarious, thoughtful, cynical, hard-working, and intellectually demanding of others, while still being immensely loving, caring, welcoming, and generous. The world is a colder, darker place without you, but more wonderful because you were here at all.
I have been remembering this week. It is painful - you may not want to read it. But I need to say it even if no one reads it.
On Tuesday morning Tom and I were just relaxing at home. Tom was talking to a hospice social worker - having an honest conversation about what he felt and what he was worried about. This made me really happy, because he hadn't done this. He was talking and suddenly paused, staring somewhere above the social worker. I asked him if he was alright. Then he started to seize. I held him while he seized. The social worker called hospice to ask what we should do. I was happy we weren't alone. I talked to him through the seizure and as he came out of it. He was conscious and trying to talk, but didn't have any words. I kept talking to try to keep him calm. He started to seize again. Each seizure felt like 5 minutes, but was probably only 30 seconds. Hospice was sending an ambulance - but one that would take us to his hospital, not the nearest hospital, so it would take longer. After the second seizure I ran around the house grabbing things we would want at the hospital, talking to Tom the whole time so he would know I was still there. He had a third seizure. After each seizure he came out of it less. The ambulance arrived. They wanted to take him to the nearest hospital. I talked them into going to his hospital where his doctors were waiting for us - since we'd waited almost 30 minutes for them. Tom's parents managed to arrive as they were loading Tom into the ambulance. On the ride into Manhattan I couldn't believe how difficult it was to get cars to move out of the way. I wanted to scream at all of them. Instead I kept talking to Tom. Telling him I was right there. Telling him what was going on. I sat in the front, so I couldn't touch him, but I kept talking. One of the paramedics told me later that she could tell it calmed Tom down when I was talking. I find that really comforting. We got to the hospital. Somewhere in the loading and unloading process Tom tried to cop a feel on the female paramedic (I suspect he was trying to thank her, because in what seemed like attempts at hugs, he kept grabbing me too), but it was a thing to smile at. Before she left she told him to recover because he owed her dinner.
The doctors weren't sure he'd make it through the night, but he did. Slowly over Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday he regained a little of himself. He could remember a few things - like what we had told him had happened and that Tiger Woods was out for the season. A lot of what he said didn't make sense, but some did and we treasured what did. Saturday night he declared out of the blue, "I'll have two McNuggets and a chocolate milkshake." He hadn't really been eating and many of his comments weren't real, so we weren't sure what to do. A couple minutes later Patrick, Tara, and Mia called from outside, wondering if we wanted anything. They got Tom McDonalds and he did actually eat three McNuggets and a chocolate milkshake. We were really pleased. Later that night I was taking a nap in a reclining chair right next to his bed and Patrick, Tara, and Mia were hanging out with him. Whenever he wanted to sit up we helped him do that, and he wanted to sit up at some point while I slept. Patrick, Tara, and Mia helped him sit. It was difficult to reposition him after sitting up. Patrick, Tara, and Mia were struggling with this when Tom - in such a Tom way - said, "And where is Krista in all this?"
On Sunday the 22nd I think Maureen and I helped Tom sit up in the earlier morning. I think he had a little bit to say and sat with his arms around both of us. I wish I remembered better. By 10:30 he wasn't talking anymore and his breathing changed. We all (Jim, Maureen, Patrick, Tara, Mia, my mom, my dad, Matt, and I) stood around him and told him it was okay to go, if he needed to. And we told him sweet and funny stories that he was a part of. We told him we loved him. His breathing became shallower and shallower. I know I was holding my breath, wondering in each gap if he would take another. I think he left us at 12:18pm.
I miss you Tom, and I love you. Thank you for being you. You who managed to be hilarious, thoughtful, cynical, hard-working, and intellectually demanding of others, while still being immensely loving, caring, welcoming, and generous. The world is a colder, darker place without you, but more wonderful because you were here at all.
Asking Tom To Be Jack's Godfather
I remember so very well the day I called Tom to be Jack's godfather. He and Krista were in Target shopping. I explained why we chose him and how we wanted our son Jack to grow up to have many of his wonderful qualities... his gentleness; his sensitivity and compassion for others, and his ability to think critically with both heart and head. He listened to me go on and on and on about all that we wanted for Jack and he was very quiet. When I finally finished he so humbly responded in his "Tom way"... " well, thank you Aunt Joanie I would love to be Jack's godfather." We did not have an expectation for him to actually be present at the Baptism. Afterall, he was in New York and we were in Rochester. Tom never even thought for a moment about NOT coming.
Tom and Krista arrived at our house very late the Saturday evening before the Baptism. This was before Tom and Krista were married. Tom had not been feeling well and in fact had spent the night before hanging out in the emergency department in NYC (with Krista by his side of course). They never really got to the bottm of what was going on. You would have never known it however... Tom and Krista were so gracious and so happy to be with us!
I remember speaking to Maureen (Tom's mom) when they arrived and assured her that we had a delicious dinner all ready for our guests and my partner (Michele) is a nurse and she would take good care of our Tom. It was a GREAT day.
So today on the anniversary of Tom's death my whole family is gathering at our house to plant a Butterfly Bush and have dinner and a toast in Tom's honor. Jack (who is now 4) painted a rock for Tom to place nearby. Jack LOVES numbers and I think will have Tom's love for math.
I am confident that Jack will continue to know Tom well as he grows up. He and Krista are often a part of the stories and books and songs we share with Jack at bedtime!
Tom and Krista arrived at our house very late the Saturday evening before the Baptism. This was before Tom and Krista were married. Tom had not been feeling well and in fact had spent the night before hanging out in the emergency department in NYC (with Krista by his side of course). They never really got to the bottm of what was going on. You would have never known it however... Tom and Krista were so gracious and so happy to be with us!
I remember speaking to Maureen (Tom's mom) when they arrived and assured her that we had a delicious dinner all ready for our guests and my partner (Michele) is a nurse and she would take good care of our Tom. It was a GREAT day.
So today on the anniversary of Tom's death my whole family is gathering at our house to plant a Butterfly Bush and have dinner and a toast in Tom's honor. Jack (who is now 4) painted a rock for Tom to place nearby. Jack LOVES numbers and I think will have Tom's love for math.
I am confident that Jack will continue to know Tom well as he grows up. He and Krista are often a part of the stories and books and songs we share with Jack at bedtime!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
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